I am going Crazy...

or at least my family thinks so. My mood swings are out of control. Its like a roller coaster up/down up/down. The closer it gets to Tuesday, the more depressed I get. Not sure if its cause I gotta get the pump or if its the other place I have to go too. Some days I just want to Quit. Or maybe its because I did quit smoking that is???

Anyways, I have done some interesting research this weekend. Basically there's some help for cancer patients but basically you are on your own. there is tons of information about the disease but its alot more difficult to find financial help. I hate to be seeming to drown on money but I have to be prepared. Knowing I could take it easy and the house will run is a big deal for me. I met a women who is starting a non-profit for cancer patients and there family. Its called Cancer Crusaders. As some of you may know, I was working on my own non profit (Sixteen Diamonds) for underprivileged young women. I was all set to roll it out on August 16, when Cancer hit. So for the time its on the back burner. Anyways, I am thinking I can use some of my skills and help her out. I am multi-talented. Maybe this is another calling of mine.

My husband made a comment the other night, that has me thinking, he asked why I never talk about him in my blog... there are several reasons but the one is he is very private. I didn't even tell him I had a blog for the longest time. I married a MAN a straight up no tears no emotions man. Solid to the bone. I have been trying to get my mind around how he must feel and I think I would rather yell and scream when things don't go my way than to realize he's probably just as scared as I am but you see I can't entertain that idea because regardless of the past he is my strength and his faith keeps me going, I don't think I could hold it together if he started treating me as if I had a death sentence. I guess the fact that he really hasn't changed his reaction or his personality in a way is comforting but annoying. Too many people are pitying me and its annoying. I am still me just a little more bitchy.

Tomorrow, I plan to ask the dcotors some more detailed questions about my cancer and the side effects I am going through. I am sure that there has to other ways to handle rather than DRUGS and more Drugs.

I just realized I have know bout my cancer for one month now. What a whirl wind of a month. Not sure how I feel about this new reality thats my life... a mom with butt cancer.

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